So many people experience shame that causes them to lie to themselves and to lie to others. That shame causes them to hide and run from what they say they believe is the truth. Consequently, shame causes them to almost involuntarily comprise their values, all while those values are the key to freedom from the shame. As a result, they live in a constant state of weakness and rejection with no clear way to recover. It’s just true that all of us have experienced this in some manner; it’s part of being human.
I believe that shame lives in Should. For example, I should work harder. I should eat healthier. I should treat my family better. I should get to the gym. I should quit this dead-end job. I should not be afraid. I should not worry so much. I should stop lying. I should quit sinning. What’s starts as a healthy reminder from our gut, consciousness, or our heart reminding us to live out our values, turns to shame as we avoid the truth.
It’s not enough to identify our truth. It’s not enough to talk about our truth. It’s not enough to ask for accountability. Conquering shame is accomplishing by Doing and by creating Done in your life.
What’s the flip-side? Continue to live a less than purposeful life. Continue to compromise your values while allowing your emotions and the momentum of life to push you around, all while the shame from never really committing to living out your values keeps you from becoming 100% of the person you were designed to BE.
The problem is not the shame; that’s the emotional result of an underlying problem. The initial barrier to moving forward is admitting to the problem that causes shame, but that’s not enough! Most importantly, you must attack the problem by creating a plan to destroy it, then execute that plan inside of your daily routine based on what you believe, not just what you feel. How do you create a plan? Here is the formula: Identity + Values + Routine = Vision or Plan
At first, you will not feel good about this! You must create the energy (energy = the fuel to do something based on right action according to your values in spite of how you feel) necessary to move forward. The freedom you seek will begin to grow as your confidence grows by Doing. When you screw it up, and you will, here is how to respond:
Mindset Tool:
Admit it: acknowledge your role and responsibility
Fix it: learn from it - communicate, apologize, if necessary
Flush it: re-aim at your values and keep moving forward!
Commit to turning one of the shame causing Should’s in your life to a Doing and then a Done. Respond based on your values, take action, start working on it, generate movement forward, and watch the shame begin to melt away.
Come work with us if you are looking for a process to develop a vision and a plan.
Keep Coming Forward!
Jim Hensel
